Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Which path am I on? Which should I take?

I have lost my way. I ended up leaving my SW group in January after my sister nearly died and I went into a bit of a mental breakdown. Ever since then I have been saying that I'm going to go back but so far, I haven't. I must weigh at least 2st more now and physically I'm finding it really hard. My last weight at group was 24st 6lbs and to me that is crazy. At no point in my life did I imagine that I would be this big and be suffering so much, don't get me wrong, I know that it's my choices that have led me to this point in my life but at the same time, I feel like it's out of my control. I have an eating disorder and that is not an excuse. I'm not trying to pass the responsibility. Something in my life has triggered this in me, something has caused it. I am not good at sharing my emotions, I bottle everything up and I always have because that's how my family are. I am an emotional eater. A secret eater. A binge eater. I am scared of my life, I don't think I really know who I am. I have no sense of self, or identity. My whole life has revolved around other people; I have always been second best because the situation called for it. I don't resent anyone for that but I resent what it caused in me. I don't have the coping skills to overcome that, at least not on my own anyway. I don't have great memories of being a child, I had to grow up fast. I guess I'm terrified of being someone that doesn't matter. That my existence has no impact in this world or on the people in my life. I am itching to change my life, find my path, make a difference but at the same time..I don't do anything to change who I am. "If you don't change, it won't change."